Prim Time with Keiko Ketsugo

Introducing New Second Life Resident Tagline

After launching the inSL program forbidding residents to use their signature “eye in hand” logo, Linden Lab announced today that they won't be allowed to use “Your World. Your Imagination.” either. Chief Tagline Officer Eris Linden says, "It was a lie anyway, we all know that. So we've come up with one more suited to the average resident." To underscore their commitment to good customer relations, “Your World. Your Imagination. Your Fucked up Issues.” can be written in the font of your choice.

* T-shirts available at Prim Time Headquarters, Oriental Express (221, 217, 23) and OnRez or SL Exchange.

Prim Time Staff Installing New Logo on Castle Prim's Wall Under Anchor Keiko Ketsugo's Superwhipsion

True Reason for LInden Resignation Revealed

Second Life CEO Philip Rosedale (aka Phillip Linden) was forced to resign after being spotted with a 7-prim diamond escort at Kitty Emperor Neko Club VIP. Investigators from the San Francisco Attorney General’s office discovered Rosedale was diverting millions of lindens into the account of Titfukk Latte. Latte is part of a high-end SL escort service that charged as much as L$5,500 an hour. Rosedale said, “I failed to live up to the standards I had set for my virtual self.” Meanwhile Titfukk Latte has signed a seven-figure deal as official spokesmodel for Strokerz Toyz “Neko Line” Sexgen Litter Box.

Philip Linden Busted at Kitty Emperor Neko Club VIP

Exclusive live video coverage of the Beijing 2008 Olympics

Stopping at nothing to whip the news, Prim Time anchor Keiko Ketsugo teleports into the future to bring back Beijing Olympics coverage before the Beijing Olympics. Take that, you other pathetic news sources. Your present is sooo last year.

http://www.subrealism.org/beijing

Linden Lab Bans Itself

Linden Lab has decided to ban itself, it was revealed today. “After we finally took a step to act against ‘ad farms’,” explains Jack Linden, "we realized if atrocious advertising behavior is covered under Harassment in our Community Standards, with our company-sponsored starting hubs, the CSI:New York horror and everything else - it's the only logical move." Linden adds, "Let’s face it, we’re the biggest corporate whores in-world.” It is not clear yet if Linden Lab will ban itself temporarily or permanently, thus having to create alts to access Second Life.

Evidence of Lindens Banning Themselves After Violation of New Ad Farm Policy

In bookstores now � Griefing for Dummies

Fed up with clubs and shopping? Want some excitement in your pathetic Second Life? If getting banned was beyond your creative reach this book might just be the answer you were searching for. From old-school flying penises to bringing the grid down, everything is covered to ensure your enjoyment of your SL in spite of being lousy at cyber.

I’m Keiko Ketsugo and I approve this message, as I'd rather crash than tolerate you little people’s tedious conversations.

In bookstores now

Virtual Travel Advisory for American Tourists

The CIA advises US residents to wear Canadian flag attachments in Middle-eastern sims like Al-Andalus, it was revealed today. The move follows growing concerns that virtual worlds are turning into “seedbeds for transnational threats”. However, it is not clear if the anti-US grudge is retroactive and applies to medieval arabic sims. The Furry-Fox News Network strongly recommend wearing maple leaves in other places too, like French dungeons where, “they’ll capture you and make you insist on a 35-hour bdsm week.”

A very brave Vernon Waco visiting a threatening sim, not to keen on being greeted as a liberator.

China Apologist Sim Islab Holds Virtual Pre-Olympics

To mark the Chinese New Year – and to minimize athletes’ exposure to Beijing’s deadly smog, yes-men area China Islab proposes virtual pre-Olympic training in world. Competitions include the 800-yard dissident sprint-for-your-life and Tiananmen Square tank tossing. A plan to build a glass bubble around Beijing hand painted by prisoners to look like a Windlight sky (instead of the RL shitty one) has been discussed with authorities, to prevent tourists from dying too soon.
This move would mark the first real venture of SL technology in RL. For those who don’t see this as a progress but as a proof that China is still the dictatorship we’ve learned to love, Islab spokesperson Ken March replied, “All this is greatly exaggerated. I mean, if you don’t care for freedom and if you’re not a carbon-based life form, China is a great country. That’s why we welcome all pixel-based idiots to our cool sim.” Avastar editor Regis Braathens, Anshe Chung and Hipihi representatives were all here to cut the red ribbon – naturally dyed with migrant workers’ blood.

Prim Time writers' strike Ends Tragically

The Prim Time Writers' strike ground to a halt earlier today when host/producer Keiko Ketsugo decided to kill 5 writers, whip the others and redesign the newsroom as a high security cellblock. "If Anshe Chung has to outsource to China to exploit people," says Keiko Ketsugo referring to yesterday's dissi-bot news while whipping writer Yung Kakapo "she's just a non-creative wimp and I'd enslave her for breakfast." Mistress Ketsugo then praised Second Life for its total freedom of virtual exploitation.

No House Plants Decorating the Prim Time Newsroom - Cement Headed Strike Leader Panhandle Will Do.

Land Baron Launches "DissiBots"

Anshe Chung signed a deal with Beijing authorities to equip the country's labor camps with SL terminals. This is seen as a "green” solution for landowners eager to boost their traffic. Anshe plans to replace each power-hungry land bot with two cheap political prisoners - one playing SL and the other pedaling to power the terminal. "This is a simple solution to global warming," she tells Prim Time, "and proves once again that China is a great, modern, creative nation that Linden Labs can't ignore.” Added bonus - "Dissibots" can also be used as furniture.

Anchor Keiko Ketsugo trying her new peasant union leader chair at the Prim Time HQ

Linden Lab Offers Blowjob

After insisting the "State of the Grid was strong and confident", Phillip Linden announced Linden Lab will launch a “stimulus package” to counter the virtual recession, triggered by the closure of SL banks. Designed with Neva Naughty "Whore Next Door" will replace "City Chic Female" in the library of basic avatars. The "Torch" accessory will be replaced by a blowjob poseball & Orientation Island will be equipped with dance poles. Experts believe this is a realistic plan to boost the virtual economy.

XCite Launches Green Line

XCite announced today the launch of a new eco friendly line. The move is an apparent effort to repair the company's tarnished reputation following the made in China X3 clit lead paint scandal. Among the green products: a new version of their electric shock chastity device powered by a windmill rammed up your butt, a USB device that converts wanking energy into electricity for your home and, inspired by one of our earlier reports, a new horse cock complete with a 100% organic hayshot facial option for rubber pony bukkake.

Prim Time Infomerciotainment

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PN Fury at 2008 Avaban Results

The obscure "Patriotic Nigras" griefer group was outraged at being shutout at this year's Avatar Ban Awards. Unable to express his demands with words, the illiterate PN spokeschild attempted to disrupt the event with flying penises. He finally gave up after realizing that people couldn't care less, he didn't enjoy being near adults and that nobody knew who the PN was apart from the SL Herald reporters anyway. Meanwhile, Prim Time writers raised funds today to kick start an unwanted children literacy charity.

A MINDBLOWN Wins 2008 Avaban Award

Anchor Keiko Ketsugo yesterday hosted the 2008 Avatar Ban of the Year ceremony. A Moping- around- Inappropriate -Neighborhoods -Displaying -Beaver -or -Large -Orange -Willy Noob (MINDBLOWN) walked off with the “Golden Cubie” for the 5th consecutive year. Hour old Clueless Oh literally came on stage to thank the community in the name of all MINDBLOWNS, Proudly holding the golden cube trophy he unexpectedly wore on his head, Oh then asked if host Ketsugo "Wanna mak fuk1" by any chance. He is now a rug at our headquarters.

Clueless Oh accepting the 'Golden Cubie' from Prim Time Anchor Keiko Ketsugo just before pissing her off fatally

Specist Horse Destroys Rubber Pony Stable

A fanatic horse affiliated with extreme far-right groups devastated the Alikat rubber pony stable last night. Holding an offensive banner, the horse spammed the stable with particle hay. Second Life Equine Police were forced to use special pliers to extract the neo Nazi horse from the pony stables. The SLEP hopes that the incident will raise awareness of the rampant cases of bigotry and discrimination experienced in-world and offers free pliers for concerned residents - available at the Prim Time headquarters in-world.

Rubber pony stable in Haylocaust nightmare

Avatars on Endangered Species List

The United Nations Environment Program added Second Life avatars to the ever growing list of endangered species, it was revealed today. The team of UNEP experts sent last month to the metaverse got lost searching for actual living souls in an endless expanse of totally deserted sims. Half of them died from exhaustion. A memorial ceremony will be held in a rather empty non-profit sim.

Linden Lab Considers New Grid

Linden Lab announced today that it was considering the launch of Second Wife, a "Family Values" third Grid in which the ToS mandates poseballs focused exclusively on lawn cutting and knitting. For residents with an urgent need to become "fruitful and multiply" a gateway to the Teen grid will be provided for clean and decent family ageplay – knitting poseballs and tools used, in the absence of better sex toy alternatives.

Nesquik rabbit raped by anti-corporate tinies

Reports are Tiny Life Liberation Army activists captured and sexually assaulted the Nesquik rabbit at the Activ8 corporate whorehouse. The anti-corporate tinies allegedly jumped the bunny, dragged it away by its ears and raped him with Che Guevera-shaped dildos. The rabbit is still in a coma at the Crack Den Hospital's ER at this time. "There was nothing I could do," sighs Justice League Unlimited president Kalel Venkman, "I was afraid they would flexi-cum all over my Superman outfit."

Picture courtesy of the TLLA's propaganda department

Republican Latex Fetishists of Second Life Credit Support for GOP Romney Win in Michigan

Republican Latex Fetishists of Second Life claims its support of GOP Candidate Mitt Romney helped rocket the candidate to victory in the Michigan Primary. Spokesperson Yung Kakapo says, "The RLFSL believes Romney most closely aligns with our values which are pro Death Penalty, Pre-marital Abstinence and new safety standards for auto asphyxiation which we believe is a legitimate lifestyle choice." RLFSL plans a major asphyxiationthon to celebrate. BYORP of course (Bring Your Own Rubber Panties).

Keiko Ketsugo interviewing RLFSL spokesperson Yung Kakapo

Miracle sim campaigns for more prims

Owners of the Miracle sim are demanding a bigger prim allowance from Linden Lab after the server crash resulting from a Jesus' bread rezzing frenzy earlier today. Linden Lab declined and His disciples are objecting to LL's alternative proposal to force flag all items in Jesus’ inventory as no-copy. Until a solution is found, the griefer Lord has indicated He might have to resort to temp-on-rez miracles. "The poor will have to sit on the bread before it disappears," He said, "They’ll have to be trained – but still – it’s better than particle bread.”

Keiko Ketsugo interviewing Jesus during the Miracle incident